Chapman Shuttles Faster, Furiouser

"We just weren't hitting the speeds we needed to be at," says Bobby Wheel-Fastt, Crew Chief of Chapman's Vehicular Operations, "So we got rid of all the seats and we finally started topping 120." Now every shuttle is equipped with a 3.9-liter naturally aspirated V12 engine which makes 654 horsepower. Needless to say, students can expect a shorter commute.

Campus Safety has been receiving hundreds of calls a day for speeding and rampant collisions, yet their golf carts are absolutely useless against the raw uncapped power of the shuttles. Unfortunately, at this moment in the interview, a shuttle bound for Grand clipped a prius while weaving in and out of traffic, rolled over 17 times in a row, jackknifed 40 feet into the air, completed a perfect figure 8 then slammed all 13,000 pounds of steel and rubber directly into me, the interviewer, killing me instantly.