The Kumquat — Chapman's Most Reliable Newspaper
The Kumquat — Chapman's Most Reliable Newspaper
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Horo­scopes

Ever wondered what is in your future?

What do the stars have in store for you this month? We are not responsible for any real outcomes or catastrophic events foretold by these horoscopes.

~ Your Reading ~

  • Virgo

    (August 23 to September 22)

    Everyone knows you're high right now.

  • In season

    Libra

    (September 23 to October 22)

    Are you sure you still have all your fingers? Are you sure? Check again.

  • Scorpio

    (October 23 to November 21)

    Thai Towne is calling your name. Answer?

  • Sagittarius

    (November 22 to December 21)

    Check your tire pressure next time you drive, or don’t!

  • Capricorn

    (December 22 to January 19)

    Don’t remember what happened at the D last night? Everyone is talking about it.

  • Aquarius

    (January 20 to February 18)

    You will wake up with a boner tomorrow, no matter what you got going on down there.

  • Pisces

    (February 19 to March 20)

    Is that smell... you?

  • Aries

    (March 21 to April 19)

    Unclear. Come back next month with a White Monster and BBQ Corn Nuts.

  • Taurus

    (April 20 to May 20)

    Make sure to check LinkedIn, you’re about to get REAL connected.

  • Gemini

    (May 21 to June 20)

    Next time you scare your friend, they’ll instantly die. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  • Cancer

    (June 21 to July 22)

    No one cares that you are from the Bay Area.

  • Leo

    (July 23 to August 22)

    Girl, you so do NOT want to go to that dartie on Wednesday.