Dear Columnista,

What should me and my massive friend group do for our group halloween costume? Niche ideas only.

I’m so glad you asked because I had a note saved JUST for this situation. Some of these are good but some of them are not and you’re just going to have to be ok with that I am going through a very stressful time right now and don’t have time to be witty and droll for all of you talentless hacks ok? You know how hard it is to fix all your problems all the time? You know how many of you ask how I’m doing? None, you sick fucks. Cue the damn list.

1. The ten commandments
2. Your artistic interpretations of the seven days of a typical menstrual cycle
3. Nick Cannon and his kids
4. People who want to be my new friends. (cut teaser after here)
5. All the characters from friends and then their secret twins if they existed in a universe where they were all twins
6. The people who showed up to your dad’s intervention
7. One dogwalker and nine leashed dogs
8. People who want to be my new friends and occasionally make out.
9. A 5 person boy band and their rival other 5 person boy band and there’s hella gay vibes
10. People who want to be my new friends and occasionally make out and are definitely not weirded out by the fact that I’ve made out with all my other friends to the point where I now have no friends and now I live in a single in Grand as a senior with an illegal cat.
11. An ugly guy who owns a boat and eight girls who flirt with him to use his boat.
12. The seven dwarfs and one Mr. Calendar
13. Power hungry TSA agents and white women who don’t want to take off their shoes
14. The members of trump’s cabinet but after their botox has become sentient and it becomes a the substance situation.
15. I’d be ok with like a cuddle with some light petting over the clothes too.
16. If none of these work, maybe just give up and be minions.

Hope this helps