Shedding My Womanhood for a Decent Bedframe

As someone in the throes of a 9-5, I’ve realized I have a new comfort with death and I need a new bed frame. With under 4-6 years of work experience and $32.16 in my bank account, I had to act fast.

In a recent discovery, I found you don’t really need your uterus or your ovaries, only if you want to have babies easily and fast, which I don’t. Instead of babies, I want a new bed frame, one that doesn’t squeak every time I sit on it, one that doesn’t screech every time I roll over, and one that doesn’t make me self-conscious about my roommates hearing me have accidental loud sex because of my squeaky misfortune. I’ve spent the last week at my desk scrolling through various scary sites. I found a community of anonymous users who really, really want my uterus and would pay for it. With the offers I’ve been getting, I’ve been able to scroll Wayfair with a sense of security. I could be child-free and squeak-free. I just have to shed my womanhood because that’s the only way to buy bed frames in America.