Sick of Campus Pro™? Here's How to Get Your Suite Back

Hey guys, it’s the Board of Trustees. And if you know us, you know we’re strapped for cash. So, since you all loved pitching tents last school year, we’ve decided to relocate you all to our new Campus Pro™ encampment to save money. Campus Pro™ is a plot of premium-grade “living spaces” and porta-potties in the Ralph’s parking lot. If you miss your previous accommodations and think that this new program is not worth your $90,000 tuition, follow these simple steps to get your suite back.

First, email the IS&T center with a keycard request. From there, you’ll receive a message from PantherAI to meet in the Piazza at 3:00 AM. A hooded figure will await you. He’ll ask to slice your finger for a drop of blood, and then he’ll take off his robes to reveal a fully nude P-Safe Officer Hinson. You’ll need to bring him to completion using only a Bruxie sandwich, and then, finally, you’ll challenge him in a game of rock, paper, scissors. If you lose, you’ll have to start the whole process over again.

Congratulations! You finally have a dorm room. Unfortunately, we’re only offering 3-foot-wide broom closets, but it’s a step up from the parking lot. Enjoy!