ADORABLE! Parlow Age Regresses in Piazza

Poor, sweet boy, he’s had a big month, and he just can’t take it anymore. After inauguration, the clearly overwhelmed Matt Parlow was flooded with emails with inconsiderate questions like, “Why is your office not ADA-compliant after a $100,000 remodel?” Jeez! People in wheelchairs have working arms, don’t they? Our little guy can’t even go out in the Piazza without being bombarded with outrageous comments from woke folk, like “What actions will you take to preserve diversity after the removal of Chapman’s DEI programs?” But, amidst one of these brutal attacks, something amazing happened.

Parlow began to cry and coo and grow red in the face, and then, before you knew it, he was on the floor sucking his thumb. He rolled back and forth and screamed “Mama!” until one unsung hero cradled him against her bosom. The crowd of idiots exclaimed “Aww!” and began shaking their keys for him, which he oo’ed and aw’ed at. By the time he was up again, he had won our hearts. Our little snuffalufagus is trying his best. We tried contacting his office for a comment, but he once again denied any interviews, saying, “I’m just a baby! Baby don’t care bout free press.”