BREAKING: Nothing Ever Changes
Issue 87 | September 2026
Hold onto your hats, folks, this one’s a real doozy. Inside sources have just alerted us that despite the endless forward march of time, humanity is destined to move ceaselessly in circles. Boy howdy!
According to the wisdom of our elders, we’re in a phase right now called “the usual.” Everyone’s corrupt, from SGA to SAG to the GSA. Everyone’s fighting, from the IDF to my parents who are on their second trial separation. Do you even remember the last night you didn’t drink your woes into silent submission? Shucks, I sure don’t! Halloween <3
“One must consider the ancient river,” said one concerned freshman. “We can come to the same stream again and again, but is it ever truly the same? Water changes rock, rock changes the course of water… we too change, even when we cannot recognize it.”
O the optimism of youth! One junior who’s “been around the block” had this to say on the matter:
“Even when our circumstances circle the drain in stagnation, we cannot let it stag our nation. Think on that.”
Stay tuned for updates, as anonymous sources have suggested that cases of “the same ol’ same ol’” are on the rise again. Gee whiz, what’s new?
