I Have a Crush On My Physics Teacher

Dear Columnista,

Alright, I'll admit it.

I have a crush on a physics professor. I try to suppress my feelings, but the way he dedicates himself to his research and his computer is really hot. What should I do?

Dear Dying to be Noticed,

Thank you SO much for writing in, seriously, because I was contemplating this situation just the other day. My sophomore year my friend Jen kept getting these recurring UTIs and she insisted it was because she sat down in her wet bikini for too long but we all knew that it was because her boyfriend Greg thought washing his dick in the shower was gay, but anyway, one day I ended up calling us an Uber to urgent care but when the Uber driver showed up we realized that he was actually her chem professor, which like, we should be paying teachers more, but anyway they like REALLY hit it off in the Uber but then he like slammed on the breaks too hard and pretty much Jen ended up peeing her pants in this guys Uber because remember she had a UTI and he was like such a good sport about it but looking back it was probably because he had a pee thing and Jen is like super hot, but basically short story long she ended up getting an A on the final and the guy ended up like leaving his wife and three kids for her but my advice is: consider getting a UTI and maybe also start jerking off to Neil DeGrasse Tyson as a substitute in case that doesn’t work or he’s like happily married.