CHAPMAN ANNOUNCES NEW OPIUM DEN ON CAMPUS

That's right, the new-fangled panacea taking everyone from Tallahassee to Indochina by frenzy has now found its way to fertile Orange, California.

"We've had a real issue with our retention rates." said the Dean at the unveiling, "The plan is to keep students coming back. So far, we've built rock walls, funded clubs, even improved financial aid, but nothing's changed. We think that opium will be that change."

Some are concerned at the sort of delinquent mentality this den will bring to Chapman's campus, noting the rise of "vagrantism" and other sort of unseemly activity. I too had my prejudices, but after trying it out, it seems perfectly seemly to me! After years of loneliness, despair, and "figuring it out," I'm now happily engaged to be blood married to the pipe-meister gal that works the 5-9 shift. We share everything– values, needles, and a blissful sensation that shall blossom eternal. We're naming our son Zigguratte, after the ancient Mesopotamian structure, but spelled a little different.

Anyway, retention rates are now at an all time high– too high, according to some members of the administration.

"We can't seem to get rid of these itchy, slender freaks." said the Dean, about to try the den out for the first time, "But as long as they keep paying tuition it's fine, I– ahhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhh, that's gooooooooooood..."