Chapman Appeases Great Beast

Under the heat of recent controversy, Chapman Administration has revealed that all of their new polarizing mandates have been in an effort to appease a Great Beast of Unknown Power. "We understand that some are upset at these mandates," said a pale, shaking Struppa in a recent interview, "but we have no idea what it's capable of."

Chapman's banning of megaphones on campus was in service to "not disturb the beast's slumber." Students have been dissuaded from gathering in large groups or raising their voices. "I get real grumpy when I get woken up by shouting students, but I fear the Beast will not show similar grace," Struppa added. Recent crackdowns on DEI initiatives and faculty were described as 'keeping students safe.' "We have learned that the beast has a 'worldly palette' and a taste for the intercultural." Two international students have been 'lost to the beast' and had their visas removed in memory. To avoid such complications, Chapman now recommends that everyone on campus look exactly the same. Other changes include sacrificial book burnings and defunding any studies of the "demonic or satanic" out of respect.

"We hope that you understand," Struppa closed out the announcement, "there may be more of them out there, so we must be ready to sacrifice everything."