Chapman Increases Housing Requirement to 10 Years

Chapman has done the unthinkable. After nobody noticed the increase from 2 to 3 mandatory years living on campus, the mandate increased exponentially. Incoming students are now required to live on campus for ten years which- according to the school- has everything to do with community building and absolutely nothing to do with money. You may be wondering, "you mean I have to be sequestered in Anaheim until I am 28 years old, 6 years post-grad?" Yes. Exactly.

Kumquat reporter Kummy interviewed several students to get their opinion on the new rule. Senior PIKE brother Caden seemed very enthused, noting "I was worried I was running out of time to meet my wife. Now I have 6 more times to rage at Heaven & Hell and 6 more freshman classes to meet." Junior Elisa told Kummy, "This city makes my mental health decline. If I have to spend 6 more years here, they should at least make 6 more seasons of the OC." While wandering campus, Kummy saw several tenured students shouting, "RUN! SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN!" at prospective tour groups. Kummy then watched as these students were shot with tranquilizer darts and dragged away.