EXCLUSIVE: Struppa's Father Reveals He Was Too Lame for the Mob

As you all know, the Kumquat has an extensive network of contacts inside various criminal organizations—one of our best from the Italian mob got this quote from none other than Daniele Struppa's father!

"We recommend you read this in a HIGHLY offensive Italian accent"

"You got all your different types of mobsters, y'know? You got your physically violent folks, your strategists, your gunmen, Daniele just didn't fit in with any of em, not even the closeted gays. We sent him debt collecting, but he would just get laughed at with those middle-aged librarian glasses and his middle-aged librarian face. We took him car bombing, but he refused to bomb white people! And don't get me started on his first assassination: a small-time politician, shouldn't have been a fuckin issue. Well, somehow he came back, and not only was the politician still alive, he now had a detailed plan and budget to bomb unarmed civilians. Mamma mia... at least when we kill people it's classy! You can always beat the morality outta kids, but after we found him throwing darts at a picture of Bella Hadid (and missing every one), we realized it was far worse than stupid morality: he was a god damned LOSER."

–Big Don Struppa