Matt Parlow Just Struppa in Drag

During Matt Parlow's inauguration speech, the new President shocked students as SHE took control of the stage as a breathtakingly beautiful woman. Smoke machines began to shroud the stage, Italian house music started bumping, and the most administrative DIVA made her debut. No tea, no shade.

Students were shocked to see Parlow in her 8-inch slay-the-house-down boots, masterfully contoured face of makeup, and sickeningly snatched Armani suit—and began to cheer, relieved to finally see a Chapman president with good eyebrows.

"Are you Panthers ready to WERK?" said Ms. Parlow, while cueing Bella Ciao for her debut lipsync, "Mother is here, and it's time for this University to finally show its true colors!"

Despite loving the performance, however, students began to notice that Parlow had an oddly familiar accent, and seemed to know the Bella Ciao lyrics a little too well. And as her makeup began to run, an unmistakable salt-and-pepper beard emerged; her wigline slipped, and the students froze. The resemblance was unmistakable. Mother Parlow was serving...Struppa?

Booed off the stage, Struppa saschay-awayed in tears. But this Diva won't go down that easy. "People just aren't ready for a queen like me," Struppa told the Kumquat. "Either way, Mother is here to stay."