Struppa's Affirmations

Oopsy daisies! The Kumquat spotted a loose leaf of pink, flowery paper fall from Struppa's briefcase. We suspect it to be his list of daily affirmations. (Disclaimer: We could not print all the hearts he dotted his "i"s with.)

I am worthy

I deserve joy and happiness

I have a very serious accent that no one makes fun of

Gal Gadot will unblock me eventually.

No one even remembers that time I got so blackout in college that I shit my pants and people called me "Poopa Struppa."

I am successful.

I do not have a girl's name. It's super manly and masculine and a name for boys.

I'm in the top 50 percent of sexy mathematicians. That means the top half. I know that because I'm so good at math.

No one suspects that I stole the Lindbergh baby.

Gal Gadot is just playing hard to get.

So what if I'm suppressing free speech and endangering international students? We literally live on a floating rock in space.

I am loved.

I am especially loved by Gal Gadot.