FREE ADVICE (Pride Thoughts)
Issue 84 | June 2026
What's up sluts. It’s Pride Month, so now is the perfect time for a white bisexual girl to offer you lost souls some snippets of advice. Something I get asked frequently is, "white bisexual girl, what are some creative ways to come out to my family this June? Also, are you single?" I'm so happy you asked.
The answer is fivefold:
- Hire your theater friends to surprise your parents with a flash mob detailing the specifics of your newfound sexuality in SATB.
- Write them a poignant haiku.
- Make a PowerPoint presentation. Canva templates found here.
- Hire a man to be your fake boyfriend and have him say something so horrifically awful to your parents that when you bring your hey mamas lesbian over for dinner a few weeks later she seems like a big upgrade. Fake Boyfriend found here.
- Slam poetry. In case the haiku wasn't heavy hitting enough.
- If none of these work, idk man, just like bleach your eyebrows or some shit.
