Okay, so last week this new fraternity was throwing a Halloween party, and since I have absolutely zero time these days, I had to default to the classic devil costume. Everything was going so good, though, cause I was lowkey at the perfect point in my cycle, and everyone at the β̴̧̔λ̴̬͓̃̈ξ̷̭́ͅ frathouse was, like, totally checking me out.

Like, everyone though, cause all of a sudden I look over, and it’s the actual frickin devil on my shoulder. Like, are you kidding me? He starts whispering words in some fake language like Bulgarian or something, and long story short, I’ve been acting weird ever since.

I’ve started strategically sharing my best Insta pics right after my Little posts to keep her in my shadow. Like, I have post notifs on and everything. It’s bad.

My gender studies minor suddenly seems like virtue signaling, and out of nowhere on Matcha Monday, I told my sisters that “free market capitalism knows more about the human condition than psychology ever will.” Like wtf??

Help! It’s about to be Veterinarian’s Day or something, I’m still on demon time (nocturnal), and my cat is starting to look delicious.