I'm a Pedophile, and I Love it Here!

As a little kid, I always had a profound attraction to other little kids. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized this was actually a bad thing! My first year at Chapman was difficult, what with living so close to Orange High School, and with the fact that everyone around me was only having sex with each other (adults, yuck!). No community would accept me, except for the Chapman Republicans (and later TPUSA), but they were a little too weird for me. I may be a pedophile, but I draw the line at bigotry!

It wasn’t until my Rhetoric of Dinosaurs class that Chapman truly felt like home. My professor, Jack Horner, took me under his wing and showed me that being attracted to people much younger than me was nothing to be ashamed of. Like RD Tim’s boyfriend, it could be the reason I’m here. Since then, I’ve realized — being a pedophile isn’t a bug of my character, it’s a feature. Epstein, Trump, Diddy — all pedophiles at the top of their fields. These days, being a pedophile almost seems like a prerequisite to being successful. And I’ll be the first to admit, since getting registered, everything’s come easier. Job opportunities, film grants, me — it seems like everyone wants to help the guy touching little guys!