MATT PARLOW PROVES USELESS AMIDST DUSTBOWL

Great heavens! When will this end? We're having dust for breakfast, lunch and dinner in ye Old Chappy Town and this new administration is as useless as the smoke-free campus signs outside Beckman.

My youngest child died of starvation after I lost all my PantherBucks trying to save my crops. The eldest transferred to Cal Poly, looking for a better life in the agricultural sciences. Now I play melancholic harmonica covers outside the Caf, in exchange for food scraps and mere shillings, irking out a meager existence.

When Matt Parlow announced he was stepping in (and little Jimmy was still with us, rest his soul) he really had me going! All that talk about more generous financial aid and upgrades to our Pattytown residences and for what? A sham of a grand opening for a new donor-dedicated Business building.

At this rate, little Sarah will be an orphan by March! MJP will merge the law school, Chapman High School, and Old Town Orange by the end of the semester, and Chappy Town will cease to exist as anything but a stomping ground for the children of GOP donors and Rockefeller legacies.