ANNOUNCEMENT: Chapman’s New Club Policy

Good morning everyone! We know you kids have a lot of big feelings and ideas about “political affairs” and the “state of the world,” but some of you have been getting a bit too enthusiastic with all your little demonstrations and we just have to put our foot down. You can organize or whatever all you want as long as you do it away from where people (tour groups) can see or hear you.

So we’ve discovered the perfect solution that anyone can participate in (and bonus: it’s super trendy!). If you want to start a social justice club, you must practice the ancient art of shifting. Dating back to as early as 2020, shifting allows you to visit any universe you want for as long as you want! Whether you want to protest our elimination of DEI, our investment in the military industrial complex, or the constant flooding in Henley Hall, you can do it all…somewhere else. With the power of shifting, no one has to ever encounter anything that makes us uncomfortable, just like we’ve always wanted!

We know some of you will have some irrational reactions to this new policy, but like all our policies, it only exists to make life more convenient for the people in charge. So put on your favorite subliminal, lay on the ground like a starfish, and remember that this is to protect the people most important to us, without whom this university wouldn’t even exist: our donors.