Area Man Wonders Who Has a Tums at the Bar

Only a few years ago, Phi Tau Freddy "The Dab-Blaster" Perkins was always down to clown. Perkins, or "FTDBP" as his friends called him, was the life of the party at Chapman University. Routinely hitting cannabis vapes, huffing Mr. Clean, and mistakenly inserting poppers into his ass, Perkins lived up to his problematic nickname.

Now 26, the Los Angeles County resident lives a life of moderate drinking, Ira Glass podcasts, and occasional gas. Sources close to The Kumquat confirm that Perkins was spotted at a rooftop Hollywood bar last weekend, asking fellow patrons for Tums and/or Gas X.

"It was kind of sad, honestly," Jesse Green, a former classmate, said of Perkins. "I thought he was just a normal guy who wanted to do coke and have clumsy sex with me against a fridge with Christmas cards on it, but no. He just wanted an antacid."

Addressing the rumors on, of all places, Threads, the former Greek life heartthrob acknowledged that while spicy, fatty, or fiber-rich foods no longer agree with him, he was not asking for a Tums at that bar.

"These rumors are partly true. Yes, I cannot eat Wing Stop at 3:00 a.m. after an ass-full of poppers like I used to. But, no, I was not asking people for Tums or Gas-Ex," Perkins said. "I am who I am. I'm still FTDBP, only now I have IBS. I'm FTDBPIBS, now. Deal with it, libtards."