Chapman Bisexuals Fight to the Death

"College is the perfect time to experiment!" says every closeted woman over the age of 40. But the bisexuals I've encountered at Chapman would suggest otherwise. The ones here are ruthless. Dangerous even. It's cutthroat out here.

One girl said she wished I was more like her high school boyfriend. Another told me she wished I had a wolfcut. The worst one stole my Jane Birkin aesthetic. And who even are you people? What's this secret club of other bisexuals being up in my business that everyone's in but me? Last semester I hooked up with a girl and not even 8 hours later, her ex-girlfriend requested me on Instagram. Then she started charging her crystals and manifesting my demise (she told me that after we hooked up last week).

To put an end to this type of behavior, since apparently no one can behave, I've organized a fight-to-the-death event on Musco lawn for all the bisexuals (names collected through Hinge and the grapevine) on July 1 to signify an end to Pride month. There will be no violence involved, just internal comparison to one another until everyone implodes from insecurity. Enjoy June while it lasts!