Chapman Divests!*

Chapman administration was reportedly "frustrated" with the endless barrage of confusing questions from students like "Why's it called a 'piazza'?'" and "Why is my tuition being invested in warfare weapons manufacturers?" But in a groundbreaking move as the first-ever university to listen to its students, Chapman is ready to make history. "It wasn't until students started asking us to divest that it seemed like we finally have some common ground," says Provost Norma Bouchard.

Chapman's new divestment initiative promises to stop investing in students and to keep investing in robot cop dogs, the Richard Nixon Museum, and Struppa's $11 million Newport Beach mansion. "We were practically burning money by hiring more professors, funding research, and something called 'scholarships'," says Bouchard. "With the money we're saving, we're able to focus on what really matters: pricing Hispanic families out of their homes," she continues. "I love divestment!"

With this new initiative, our saucy little university is one step closer to achieving the ultimate dream of eliminating the need for students at all. The future is bright for Chapman U!

*from students