Chapman's Summer Pride parade canceled due to low attendance

"We are saddened to report that we will not be renewing funding into future Panther Pride events," released Chapman administration in a statement last Monday.

The event, which occurred last Saturday, saw the main campus transform and work and turn, h-h-honey—to an audience of none. A pride flag replaced the football field that no one played on and the health center gave out free T—with alas—no one to take it. Former Panther and current lesbian, Chappell Roan, the headliner for the event, even served a "Prouder Pete" drag that unfortunately not a single lesbian bore witness to.

Administration shockingly admonished students for not showing up and coming out, expressing shame at the apparent straightness of the student body-ody. "We just don't understand why no one came to our school's summer pride parade," a representative of the school said. "We put $5 million into these lesbos."

"I don't understand. I zot zere was an air of [redacted]ness in ze campus," quoted a disappointed Struppa in a closed-door meeting. "I have decided to step down as President and move somewhere gayer so I can have my Brat summer," he continued. "Like Vatican City."