Selling my Charli XCX Ticket

Happy pride! Selling my ticket to the SWEAT tour for $150 to anyone with at least 2 of these requirements (I'm checking).

Shaggy wolfcut and/or microbangs

2 face piercings (minimum)

Ex Dan and Phil fan Bisexual but ONLY if you have a cishet boyfriend with a mustache

One reallyyy fucked up parent

"Played" the ukelele in middle school

Screenwriting major

Uses Native deodorant

Is or wanted to be a marine biologist

If none of these apply to you, kill yourself. Why are you even reading this? You sick straight freak. Go throw an odd shaped ball with a father figure who actually loves you.