COM Student-Survey Predicts 2024 Presidential Election

Guess what, you lackluster American. While you sat like a dud, awaiting the election results along with millions of other short-sighted charlatans, Chapman Communications student Ally Latariff was busy predicting our next incompetent ruler. Our blonde oracle developed a voting data analysis system so impressive, the founding fathers would be speechless.

"I'd heard about other processes like proportional representation or something, but I wanted to sample from a close pool of Chapman students who I knew had the right idea."

Latariff asked multiple of her sorority sisters from different states who they think will win, assigned them points based on how much their parents pay in tuition, and narrowed the results down to her two besties from Georgia and Wisconsin.

The results are in, Sydnie and Tiffenye predicted Trump's rise to power with 100% accuracy, making the "Latariff model" as foolproof as the new President's cabinet choices.

In terms of those cabinet choices, the model has proven effective once again, accurately naming a WWE CEO, an anti-vaxxer CEO, and Sydnie's ex-boyfriend Brodick as the latest picks.