Controversial Hazing Practice Elicits Outcry from Students

Controversy on campus this week as student protests call for the removal of fraternity ΣΣΣ from campus after freshman Link Pontbridge spoke out against his involuntary participation in the frat's "penis guillotine" hazing practice.

"They kept saying, 'everybody does it'," Pontbridge recounts, "And I'm just standing there like, I can't be the only one who's not cool with this."

Pontbridge's story quickly circulated on Instagram and in no time the Student-Parent Alliance Against Outdated Hazing Practices That Cause Irreparable Harm held a rally in a piazza on September 16 calling for administrative action against ΣΣΣ. In his speech, SPAAOHPTCIH vice chairman Archie Archbishop argued, "This isn't like the Animal House 80s when everyone did the penis guillotine."

In response to the controversy, Chapman has issued a semester-long ban on penis-related hazing practices. When asked his opinion, ΣΣΣ president Duke Sinepsllab expressed his excitement for the ban to be lifted. "We need real men to rush. I mean, the people dissing the Peen Teen don't get laid."