Family Friendly Explanations For Your Really Fun and Not Desperately Sad First Semester

Your massive Uber bill is from wanting to "explore the area", not bouncing from Delts to Adelphos every weekend.

You sleep on the floor because it's good for your back, not because you can't find your bed on Friday nights.

That's not herpes from kissing Karen from Chem, it's just a rash from swimming in the dorm pool.

You didn't gain the freshman 15 because you don't like Caf food, not from the crippling anxiety.

You aren't friends with Steve anymore because "people grow apart", not because he fucked Karen.

You bought a bunch of lotion because the air is really dry here, not because you've mastered your roommate's shower schedule.

Yes, you're still a virgin. No, it's not by choice.