Help Wanted: Spiritual Liberal

What up lib. That’s right, I’m talking to you. Now that you and all your transgender roommates have killed Charlie Kirk, it’s time to own up to your actions and help us, the Chapman Republicans, commune with Charlie Kirk from beyond the grave. We’re not quite sure how your dark magic functions, but we do know that you use something called “dead names” which seems like it’s on the right track.

We’ve already attempted a few things, at our last organized sleepover, we were able to find a true occult artifact called a “Ouija Board” and (right after playing spin the bottle) we attempted to make contact with Charlie but the only thing it would spell out was “it burns” and “you’ll all end up here if you don’t change your ways.” Anyway, the thing was obviously fucking broken or something, so we turned to other solutions.

The next thing we tried was to hire a medium, and let me say for the record, DO NOT HIRE MADAM MYSTERY OFF OF CRAIGSLIST. She is a hack that apparently “can’t communicate with spirits below the 3rd circle of hell,” whatever the fuck that means. We even set up a table with an open mic and a bunch of libs just waiting to be #owned and #possessed, but nothing happened.

Remember, this is your (transgenders) fault that he’s dead, and if you have any knowledge of the spiritworld, we have penciled in a time right after our discussion on now to revert Michelle Obama to a man.