Hot Funny Girl Comes Out As Straight

Amalie Seyf, Communications '25 shocked thousands last week when she claimed heterosexuality in a public statement. "The allegations are becoming too much," she said. "Listening to Azelia Banks and having the ability to properly use "cunt" in a sentence does not make me gay—it makes my friends gay."

Seyf's announcement comes after yet another sneaky link falling through due to the straight hottie she intended to "jush" dipping last minute, falsely under the impression she was just another cool lesbian whose emotional labor he could use without feeling bad.

"I know it's odd when you meet a het with a sense of style, swagger, humor, and intelligence, but they do exist," her GBF said. "She's merely an ambassador of gays and one of the greatest diplomats we have as a community."

Because she couldn't come out as straight by dating Travis Kelce like SOME women can, Seyffert had no choice but to address the issue head-on. "I'm just gonna say it. I AM STRAIGHT," Seyf confessed. "And I would rather be straight than a fake bisexual like everyone else at this school."