"We were goofing": 3 dead in Saltburn-inspired pledge

Move over, elephant walk! Inspired by 2023's smuttiest shitshow, this year's hazings have hit the ground running with gothic labyrinth runs, homoerotic undertones, and muddy group visits to Walt Disney's grave.

"Emerald Fennell really just understood us," said one eyebrow-pierced (not as hot as Jacob Elordi) pledge. "I think it's great to give horny little freaks some mainstream representation."

Unfortunately, as fun as dressing fruitily and calling each other 'babygirl' for a week may be, as bodies started piling up in the Haze Maze™, things began to take a turn for the worse. "We may be facing probation... or worse, girls could find out," worries one concerned new pledge.

Theories have been circulating about what happened. Eyewitnesses claim a small creepy man has been targeting wealthy pledges for unknown reasons, or that it's some form of vague social critique. However, suspect lineups have failed to narrow anything down.

"It could have also been the bathwater shots," (a mix of vodka, cream, and a little isopropyl, for those curious) "that could've done something." In any case, the deaths will be dealt with by the administration after investigations into Midsommar-themed sorority rush.