How to Be a Performative Panther

College is all about reinventing yourself! And if you're a man, you need to reinvent yourself into someone who is palatable and attractive to women. Here's how:

Start during O-Week. Silent Disco: real g's move in silence, like lasagna. If you decide to show up, don't let a mainstream Benson Boone beat distract from your radiant nonchalant-ism. Welcome Ceremony: don't leave your last performance without an Afters invite or planned dorm hang. Fireworks won't be the only $60,000 show tonight.

Keep it up by balancing those business finance classes and queer cinema electives with a singular C.A.R.E.S walk appearance, you #feminist. Never stop marketing yourself and your cropped Clairo T to that bi alt baddie. She'll eventually go on that Palm Deli date with you. Don't waste watts going in your Model Y. Just walk and tell her you don't have a car and don't believe in public transportation.

We recommend experimenting with bisexuality early on this first year. Hope you packed your cigs in your fugly Chapman fanny. Our advice: throw that shit away. Nothing says "committed to the bit" more than rejecting your private university swag and finding your own way to put your paws up.