How to turn your useless college experience into resume-ready skills

So you're graduating, huh? You thought college prepared you for the real world? Well, news flash buddy, YOU ARE DOOMED!!!! Fortunately you can salvage your shitty resume with these simple resume rewrites! Action verb!

Went to 13 frat functions
Serviced numerous patrons as bartender/concierge in high-pressure environment

Attended Undie Run
Facilitated first aid, philanthropy, and humanitarian aid for grassroots community in sub-zero conditions.

Contested 2 parking tickets
Served as legal representative on civil rights issues for an underserved low-income client in two dynamic cases.

Almost died of alcohol poisoning
Interacted with medical and law enforcement professionals as a late-night emergency liaison.

Lived in Morlan housing
Trained in various self-defense arts. Learned to wield a firearm.

Made a $15,000 thesis film at Dodge College of Film and Media Arts.
Just get rid of this one, honestly.