Kumquat Goes Straight

In light of recent events, including the tasteful removal of media and media personalities that do not align with the current government administration, we at the Kumquat have decided it is time to take a new approach to journalism, less driven by woke things like “independence” or “integrity” and more in line with the current media incentives. Hence, we will only be reporting on government-approved satire that is sure to poke fun at anyone other than white (or orange) men in power.

Some fun new stories you can look forward to seeing are “ICE Agents: Not as bad as you’d think,” and “Obama: The source of current economic issues?” This new line of stories will ensure that we at the Kumquat can remain safely anonymous without fear of having our legal citizenship revoked (something that apparently the United States does now). Rest assured, gentle readers, that we have turned over a new leaf, a leaf that thinks you are safe and should not dissent to all the lovely new freedoms our government has blessed us with. Including the freedom of government-approved free speech. We love Donald Trump, his completely normal-sized hands, as well as his completely normal relationship with Jeffrey Epstein and underage girls!