Matt Parlow to Build $200 Million Ball Pit

In an effort to one-up former president Struppa’s Research Park, which is set to conduct quantum research in the fall, newly appointed President Matt Parlow will be building something much more important as his first order of business: a $200 million ball pit on the third floor of AF. The ball pit will contain TWO slides and a trampoline.

Parlow sees the pit becoming a sort of hangout area for students on scholarship to mingle with the high-profile Chapman elite. Think the guy in your producing class who once worked on a Mr. Beast video, or Billie Eilish (she came to Chapman once). “Time in the ball pit is an extraordinary chance to build your professional network and collaborate with your peers in thirty-minute increments,” says Parlow.

Although this is obviously a very crucial venture, you may be wondering if Chapman even has the money for a ball pit after Struppa went and spent it all on “quandale dingle” research. Fret not. All the money saved from eliminating DEI classes and their professors will go directly towards the ball pit, and whichever family donates the most money will receive a pizza party!

The Parlow Playtime Pit is expected to be completed in 2035, but in the meantime, classrooms will be replacing desks with bean bags, and students will each be given a carton of chocolate milk to enjoy.