Kumquat Writer Doesn't Even Want to Joke About This

I'm sure you're reading the Kumquat right now because you want for some funny jokes. Some hoo-hoo ha-has to lighten the immense struggle of living in our terrifying world. Some silly funnies, amirite?

Well, here's a joke for you. WE ARE FUCKED MAN. WE ARE SO FUCKING COOKED BRO. The only "JOKE" here is our JOKE of a COUNTRY, the only CLOWNS are the 50% OF VOTERS whose CIRCUS TENT is painted RED!

This SHIT is something I could, like, PITCH for a SATIRICAL ARTICLE, and now it's FUCKING REAL! The most COMICALLY EVIL, OBVIOUSLY HORRIBLE, DISNEY VILLIAN MOTHERFUCKER just got elected to office, and I am supposed to write something more "FICTIONAL" and "ZANY" than that? I'm just supposed to PRETEND that that shit is NORMAL, so I can make a "SPOOF OF REALITY"? BRO!! REALITY HAS SPOOFED US.

And for ANYONE who is going to call this AN OVERREACTION, good luck SAVING DEMOCRACY as a "REASONABLE CENTRIST" now, you CRETIN! If we are to have ANY CHANCE, we NEED TO FIGHT FOR IT, even if a "satirical newspaper" has to GIVE YOU A REALITY CHECK ONCE IN A WHILE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

And in the meantime, SURE, we will keep writing SATIRE. It will help when THE 2028 SEDITION ACTS ARE PASSED! GOD DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!