Lone Student Showing Up In-Person HAS To Be Fucking The Professor

It was business as usual in Sam Wellington's Introduction to Ethics class last week. Students trickled in, video off, audio muted-- until Wellington and other students noticed something... off. There was a student in the classroom.

The discovery was met with a collective suspicion. "I mean, what the fuck is that, right?" says Wellington. "Are they trying to like, one-up us or something? Make the rest of us look bad? I mean, what are they getting out of this, right?"

After weeks of observation, a clear pattern began to emerge. Every Monday and Wednesday, at 1:00pm, the professor and student both entered the classroom within minutes of each other. And at 2:15pm on the dot, the professor and student would both leave the classroom together, like clockwork.

"I mean, they HAVE to be fucking," says Wellington. "The pity laughter, the raised hands, the constant eye contact. It makes me sick, watching them slobber all over each other."

When asked about the in-person student, the professor simply responded, "I haven't had a student in my classroom since 1836," and disappeared in a burst of spectral fire. (I know this ending makes no sense, but I'm a senior, this is my last article, so fuck it)