Man Who Forgets to Pay for Drinks Killed by Venmo Mafia

Tragedy struck a close-knit community of young people this week when substitute teacher Brad Blakely was found dead at the hands of the Venmo mafia. His roommate, cashier Johann DeGreyes, was left with no choice but to put a hit on him after he failed to pay back for a case of beer the other week. This was no anomaly; Brad's death is but a symptom of a culture of fear living under the boot of the Venmo mafia.

"It's an easy gig," says a former Venmafioso who wishes to remain anonymous. "Folks want us to 'encourage' their friends to pay them back. You know how many people owe $5 for something or other? We take a modest fee of, say, $5 for every shakedown and then we're rolling in it."

It's not all peachy for the nefarious group, however. The Venmo mafia is currently engaged in a grizzly turf war with the Klarna crime family. But the biggest twist of all is th... Want the whole article? Subscribe to Kumquat+ for $9.99/mo.