Monster Mash PSA

If you or another mere mortal you know attended the "Monster Mash" house party this past weekend, you may be entitled to compensation. Please read below!

Those were REAL MONSTERS.

First, if you took a hit from any of the monster's Juuls, Vapes, or the "Bong of Despair,"... you inhaled souls...those were lost souls...because we're monsters... Anyways, you're gonna want to get an exorcism like really soon, and I guess somehow our fault for not disclosing.

Alright, next, if you had intercourse with Dracula, Frankenstein (or his monster), Beetlejuice, Freddy Krueger, or any zombie, gremlin, or ghoul, first, you're probably dead, SECOND, half of those are just actual corpses, so... yeah you have an STD... you down bad freak. Go to a doctor, call the number, and I GUESS WE'LL PAY FOR IT.

Lastly, if you drank any of the "Monster Medley Punch," you're dead! THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE ALIVE IF YOU DRANK THAT, IT WAS 50% EVERCLEAR AND 50% STRAIGHT-UP POISON IF YOU DRANK THAT SHIT AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE, I WILL PERSONALLY PAY YOUR HOSPITAL BILL.

Please call 503-706-6163 to inquire about your eligibility for compensation.