One of Us? Multiple "Chapman Republicans" Caught At LA Pride

Yup. What we all feared to be true has come to pass. They weren't hard to spot— their signs, written in chicken scratch, their bellies, plump from years of pounding Coors, and their hair, muffin-topped and lopsided, were all dead giveaways (if their Trump smut tattoos weren't enough).

I approached one for an interview, but he told me to "Back it up, sweetie." Then, seeing that I was a fellow Chapman student, deepened his voice and shouted, "I mean, go away, queer!": The rest of them waved their massive fans at me to try to blow me back, but I stood strong. I pulled out my camera to take their picture, and they sprang into action.

"Sisters," one said, "let's show them how it's done. Release the liberal!" On cue, another student on a collar and leash ran at me, grabbing the camera out of my hands and crushing it with his teeth. I fled the scene without taking any pictures—so, my fellow Panthers, you're just going to have to take my word for it on this one. The next time you pass by one of them, ask about their matching tattoos, and maybe when they pull their shirt down, you'll see a stray pink feather from their boa floating down. That'll be proof enough.