Straight People You Are Not Funny

After two years of being on The Kumquat staff I've decided that I'm done pandering to the humor of straight people at Chapman University.

Over the past few years, I've watched how all of you regurgitate the same jokes over and over again. Every single one of your failed attempts at comedy are with the intent of getting at least one person to comment about how funny your caption is on your photo dump or 7 likes on a Tweet to feel better about your inability to be funny.

But, I respect you guys for trying. I think with the rise of internet personalities and the desperate attempts to get your videos and tweets to go viral, you're starting to realize that being straight means you're actually kinda boring. Your sense of humor is just remnants of washed up and rang out Black lexicon and aave after its been appropriated by white gay men and 13 year old Kpop Stans.

The pandemic has been a travesty for us all but it's been especially awful for those that have adopted Tik-Tok quirkiness that runs every joke down to the ground in 2 seconds. The way that you all think that you're funny for starting every single sentence, text, or tweet with "the way." The way you all also think that you're funny for talking about the way you start every single sentence with "the way." Don't get me started on "girlboss, gaslight, gatekeep." That was never funny. You talking about how you don't want to be "perceived" in 2021 is indicative of how you're always behind on the trends and can't come up with anything original to save your life. You just know that the people that look to the internet to tell them what is funny will find it funny and hype you up for it.

When you look at the people that are shifting the landscape of online humor and what gets the girls talking and gagging, they're all from queer, Black circles that don't rely on quirky personas to have their jokes land. They're not giving us all secondhand embarrassment every time they attempt a bit. Unlike the rest of you all, they're actually just funny.