THE GENESIS OF CHAPMAN UNIVERSITY
Issue 69 | January 2025
As we all know, this institution is a God-given Christian university, founded in the name of He Who is the Master of the Universe, in partnership with Charles C. Chapman. Below is the divine scripture of how Chapman came to be, in a void where previously there was nothing but darkness (Orange County):
In the beginning - God started a hedge-fund investment with wealthy landowners to found a profit-based business known as a "private university".
On the first day - the campus was created. It would never be particularly impressive in any way.
On the second day - Danielle Struppa was created. A shepherd to guard the investors against the perilous sins of the student body.
On the third day - Jerry Price was created. A guardian of the students, but who wasn't allowed to help them in any significant way or ever be the President.
On the fourth day - tuition was created.
On the fifth day - the students were created. For Chapman was created for them–a sanctuary for the rich, the middling, and also the rich. And some Dodge students.
On the sixth day - higher tuition was created.
By day seven - Philz' was created. A Holy Day, for if His subjects didn't have a place of blessed gentrification, they may have left his kingdom forever.
