Things That Are Gay

A Guide From a Certified DEFINITELY Not Gay Man

1. Washing your hands—why do they need to be clean, to hold hands with men?
2. Asking for directions—Real men get lost in the woods and die.
3. Saying "bless you" to another man–what's next? You gonna write him poetry or something??
4. Good handwriting—men should communicate in unintelligible scrawls and nothing more.
5. Wearing a jacket—real men like how it feels when the cold makes their nipples hard.
6. Reading—what do you need to comprehend? Gayness?
7. Wearing a seatbelt—are you TRYING to give her the ick?

So stay safe out there—don't moisturize, don't cross your legs, and whatever you do, NEVER get within 50 feet of a therapist. Now go tackle men with your shirt off in the mud, as god intended.