Tuition Justified? Chapman Increases Defense Budget.

Bothered that your tuition's been raised? Well wahhhh wah, hippie skeptic! Chapman is actually in danger of an attack at all times. With Rinker Campus declaring national sovereignty and UCI existing, it's unclear if we'll ever be safe again—which is why Chapman is raising its defense budget from 40% of the undergraduate tax to 60%.

Naturally, this budget aims to increase our lead strategist Daniele Struppa's salary again. And as a bonus, the new 'Brave Panther Act' also includes replacing resident parking with Lockheed Martin ballistic storage, increased caf background checks, and giving every P-Safe driver one (1) frag grenade. And the cherry on top? Every work vehicle will be armored and repainted a sleek gunmetal camo, because it would look dope as hell.

Most importantly, due to rumors over Orange High School possessing uranium warheads, we plan to expand our residence halls into their campus, just to keep an eye on them. So rising sophomores, if you actually care about our freedom and security, make sure to tour Chapman Barrack this spring!