WE BOUGHT A SCHOOL: Matt Damon to Replace Struppa

In light of Daniele Struppa's upcoming retirement as Chapman's president, we don't have to look far for a replacement: Matt Damon, MTV Best Kiss award nominee and the star of 2016's The Great Wall, will take up the reins!

"Yeah, it was a real shithole before I showed up," Damon said in a recent press release. "Tuition was crazy high, there's a ton of assholes everywhere, and I'm pretty sure I got mold sickness... but the big thing was, like, where are all the animals? It was baffling."

Renovations are on the way, courtesy of Damon's new vision for Chapman. Moulton Hall will be the first to go, making way for a new building that will "put the apes first." Elephants are expected to be brought in in the coming months, and the athletics pool will be refitted with pyrotechnics for an all-new orca exhibition.

The Board of Trustees was initially put off by Damon's plans, but were won over with an embarrassment of pandas that were "really cute" and "so cuddly."

As this bold direction comes to fruition, whether or not classes will resume is still TBD.