Women do Settle! Guide to Owning Male Whoreness

You might catch yourself in the mirror thinking, "A woman would never love me." Wrong, my king. Here's some wisdom from a 5'3 white balding business brotha who's still getting mad pussy.

Never worry about your face card declining—your parent's Porshe and access to weed make ruling 18-20-year-old girls easy! They're always looking for a guy to "fall in love with" (code to dine and dash her asssss).

I know you're short if you're reading this, but from experience, it's best to accept reality. Confidence is sexy, especially when it means your 5'3 stature will always beat her 5'8 big foot body for little spoon!

And if you're balding from the hairline to the back of the head with long hairs on the side—the worst way to go—explain the 14 huge boobies texting me, "I don't care if you're ugly, you're perfect for me."

Unless you're competing with Noah, you have a good chance of ruining some girl's day, and if she's not giving it to you, never give up. She probably has four other roommates you can try.