Won the battle but lost the War? Election changes Nothing for Chapman Republicans

Surprise! Turns out that despite all their political triumphs, Chapman Republicans are still losers. Upon returning to campus after Election Day, all Republicans have been quickly weeded out from polite society as the only people looking incredibly smug and lacking a certain air of impending doom and dread. Resulting in record-high breakups, unfollows, and posts on social media asking people to "keep politics out of relationships"...conveniently.

The most significant shock came when women (one of the primary groups affected by said election) somehow retained their bodily autonomy to not date Chapman Republicans. An interview with the current President of Chapman Republicans revealed that they "hadn't counted on that." Another member claimed that, "We figured if we controlled the House and the Senate, that would pretty much take care of everything."

However, the most affected group on campus are the proud Chapman centrists, whose brave political stance allowed them to pretty much get away with zero accountability in the past. That's all changed now. In a recent report, it was found that they are almost out of reasons they can't tell their situationship who they voted for, and the fallout could be catastrophic.