How to Bag That Mid Ass White-Boy Who Don't Want You

It's the end of second semester of freshman year and you still haven't had your first kiss. You've skimmed through the Am I a Lesbian? Masterdoc, but still get tingly when Mark Burgham from down the hall stands behind you in the caf burger line. Here's how to get his attention.

Step One: Make sure he isn't gay. You're a theater kid, so this scenario has crossed your desk one two many times. See how he reacts when you bring up Jonathan Groff or Jeremy Jordan. If those wrists go limp and his eyes widen, I'm sorry to say that you've fallen for it again.

Step two: Eliminate your three other friends who also like him Small school, huh? Only so many guys that shower properly to choose from, so make sure to remove the competition, even if they're your only friends. I personally prefer a little AC black mold in the dorm bong.

Step three: Pick me! Now it's time to get his hormones fired up. Ask him if he likes Geese. Tell him that you loveee his half baked mustache and his "marktakesfilm" photography account. Make sure to never be funnier than him, smarter than him, or emotionally capable of any rational decision.

Now he's all yours. Enjoy the worst sex of your life!