ISO: HUSBAND

I am a tall, blonde hag who's about to turn 26, and I do not want to find a job that has benefits. I'm looking for a gay man who works for a company with great benefits, cares for me as a friend, and loves me platonically. Twinks welcome.

I've been seeing spots more than usual lately, so please only respond to this ad if you have vision coverage. I'm trying to get better about flossing, but I did lose my retainer years ago and did absolutely nothing about it, so I'll also need someone with dental care included in their benefits.

I'm good at decorating my space and can provide a safe home, complete with the rubber door stopper I use every night. You can bring boys home. I won't mind. Seriously.

On the condition that you will be able to provide excellent benefits — dental, vision, etc. (I also broke my hand in a car accident on the way to a Hinge date, and I require monthly physical therapy.) We also must have a destination wedding.

Here are your options:

• Fiji
• Mykonos
• Ak Bar
• A Macklemore concert (but only when he plays Same Love)

Someone please marry me. I don't want to turn 26 alone.

Email me. Please. God.

Sherryprice@chapman.edu