Make the Most Out of Senior Year with One Simple Trick!

If you're like me– having an existential crisis because you're about to enter your senior year as a Make Believe Major at Chapman with only a faint idea of how to set up an internet router– let me rip the band-aid off and hit you with a truth nuke: your parents are more successful than you'll ever be. If they're married, they love each other more than you'll ever love someone else, and if they're divorced– well, at least they loved each other at one point, right? Anyway, more importantly, they've made more money than you'll ever be able to make on your own volition (especially since you went to Chapman lol), so why try? This year, spend that shit!

Buy that labubu! Get your Benz washed every damn day! When your lame friend asks you to go out, pretend to be broke and then go out with your wealthier, more problematic, more interesting friends!

You need to start living life like you're in a Sean Baker movie. Marry a Russian oligarch cuz he's cute and does cocaine, not because you need his money to survive. Become a stripper, not because there's no other option, but because it's CUNT!

In a few years, when you're an assistant to some dumbass exec who, again, is more successful than you'll ever be, you'll look back on these years with something other than memory (cuz let's be honest, you ain't remembering any of this shit): a vague, drug-foggied feeling of happiness. And isn't that what life is all about?