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New Report Shows that YOU Were Supposed to be Curry Barker
Issue 85 | July 2026
YOU were supposed to have 5 films set up at studios and HE was supposed to be considering grad school!
Did I Just Meet the Man of the Summer?
Issue 84 | June 2026
After listening to the song of the summer, I thought I had just about done everything this season had to offer. That was until I met Don.
The Next Abraham Lincoln? Broke Roommates Share One Mattress
Issue 84 | June 2026
Rent and utilities were fucking us harder than Joshua Fry Speed must have been fucking Abraham Lincoln, and we needed to save money somewhere.
Help: Gay Garden
Issue 84 | June 2026
I am a proud Orange homeowner and member of the Gardening Ladies of Orange County Facebook Group, and (surprise, surprise) for the 5th June in a row, my garden is gay.
Upgrade to LGBTQ+ Today
Issue 84 | June 2026
Gay and want more? Discover your sexuality 100% faster with LGBTQ+
I'm a Pedophile, and I Love it Here!
Issue 83 | May 2026
As a little kid, I always had a profound attraction to other little kids. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized this was actually a bad thing!
She Kum on My Quat Til' I
Issue 83 | May 2026
She says, "Come back to bed, please, I need you." "Too bad," I say. "Satire calls, I must design a meme about that damned Cheeto man." I am going to prove a white boy is capable of challenging the status quo
10 Kummandments
Issue 83 | May 2026
Hey guys. Editor Christ here. I'm going to be nailed to a cross soon, but before I go, I thought I should impart some wisdom on y'all.
As Reparations, Dodge Announces “Prince Of Persia” Masterclass With Iranian Actor “Jake Gyllenhaal”
Issue 81 | March 2026
This BAFTA winner will be answering questions about his role in his mind-bending 2010 classic, “Prince of Persia”.
Kumquat Reviews: Oscar Winners
Issue 81 | March 2026
Hear ye hear ye!
Dodge Elitism Turned "Upside Down"
Issue 80 | February 2026
Who will incoming Dodge classes tell their friends about when asked, "What the fuck is Chapman?"
Music Column: Geese Channels Frog On 2025 Album, Wednesday Cites Tuesday as Major Inspiration
Issue 80 | February 2026
hey indieheads! welcome to the kumquat’s new music column.